| Time and Time again, I'm suffocated by realizations....
coming out of a fantasy world truly puts my spirit in a choke hold...and then it's dormant.
And to liven up the soul again....that takes time, dedication and a genuine effort.
To reach this point would have been heavenly a few months back...now that I'm here, it simply does not phase me, it doesn't feel like anything. And this is what I wanted to go back to.
I never before experienced such an emotion, I didn't recognize it until months after it hit me...I never cared for more than my family, friends and school...my future...
I went into a bit of a phase where I was experiencing a new kind of relationship for the first time...like a child obviously I never wanted it to end even though it never began, I was blinded...becaus ei was so young I'm sure.
I continued on my merry way through high school, crying here and there over someone that i "liked" I say that carefully...very carefully, because I thought it was something more...I just deeply cared for this person, because I wanted to, but they never did anything in particular, I just chose a person and went with it. It was no one special, just happened to be at the time I wanted someone to watch over...and so it progressed to three long years.
Towards the middle of senior year a new person came into the picture. now he did indeed cause emotions to surface i never even KNEW i had...anything from anger, annoyance to complete and total serenity and yes, the L word.
It was difficult for me to accept it as such. But i have to admit those feelings, whatever you want to call them, were genuine and havent been sparked by anyone, until then.
A nice little story happened there.
the most perplexing and hurtful part is letting someone you love go, letting them go knowing theyre still out there, theyre so close...yet oceans away.
Whereas my grandfather who is toeing the line between earth and heaven...i have to let go and know he's gone.and in a way it's easier to get over, so I have to apply the same logic...it's as if my relationship is dead, as though this piece that fit my puzzling persona is gone...and that's all there is...and Ihave to convince myself he's never coming back...as much as it twists my soul into a tantrum, as much as it tugs at my heart strings...i can'tlet those strings give away though, or my heart will drop to my stomach once again....I'd rather just freeze this feeling, that will not go away, just let it sleep for eternity, although I know it will always be there...until the end of time.
midterms are over just in time for FINALS to come around. wow. lol.
I'm going home! to see my fat alliephant lol who's FINALLY on a diet, my parents finally listened to me when i said for the bazillionth time STOP FEEDING THAT DOG SHE's like an inflated white weenie! and now she's on a diet. goos show. now if everyone else in EC listened to me lol.
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| HELLO XANGANIANS....haha cool-o word....so we've decided...ahem we as the people of orchestra alumni association of sechrist's ...umm yeah I'll cut it short there hahah...just wanted to sound im-potent...lol. SO as I was saying... we have decided Carl's Junior is lazy and cheap and they need hand over the buttermilk....a lot of it...and breakdancers at bucklin park rock oooooon. |
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| soooo i'm totally not sad now=) i didn't get a C in my ling class i got an A- YAY! and i pulled a B in calculus and an A in english...hooray! |
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| FINALS ARE FINALLY OVER...for now. I'm definetely upset. However my friend June and Allen made me feel a little better. And as John puts it "In the midst of total darkness, there will be a light.: I;m just waiting. |
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| O-----M-------Geeeee. Finals next week...dead week truly has been dead. I cannnot wait to go home and see my family and Mon-g, chris.....shello i haven't seen you in ages!!!I just need a break even though i know stdying will...well IT SHOULD pay off...i'm excited for next quarter now that i'm actually studying fir a block everyday.=)kinda late in the quarter I know but I like this.=)can't wait to go play my instrument and hit some balls over the net hopefully hehe. and adele's coming down so i'm hopefully seeing her if all goes well=) and i 'll be visiting my grandparents.....I'm so excited.
P-P-peace
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